This is my personal blog about my journey into the world of electroconvulsive therapy. I hope it will also chronicle my eventual exit from the world of depression. I’ve been depressed a long time, am one of those with treatment-resistant depression (meaning the meds don’t work, or only work a short time), and electroconvulsive therapy is a carrot on the end of a stick for this miserable pony.


  1. Paul says

    Ashley, I feel sick for your plight and the way you were suckered into it by false promises of a cure for your depression.

    I also had years of depression, and, like you was talked into having ECT with the promise that it would help cure my depression. Instead I have suffered for the rest of my life with the repercussions of that shock to my brain. Just as if I had suffered a brain injury. And in fact that is the only reason why it ‘works’. But the cure is worse than the malady.

    As far as I know, depression is a temporary state. One can heal from it by learning more about one’s self, about life, and about others. Putting an electric shock through the brain cannot help, but can do more or less damage. Not everyone is damaged the same way, just as brain injuries do not always affect the sufferer the same way.

    Your recovery will be that of a brain-injured person. I started by trying to remember car number plates, by reading the electricity meter and keeping the numbers in my head until I could write them down. Doing such things over and over, for years, and then later interacting on the Internet, helped me to gradually increase my memory, my concentration, and get back some normality in my life.

    It is now about forty years since I had the ECT. My memory was in the top 95% of the population before the treatment, I could read a book and then discuss it years later, amazing some people. After ECT I had no idea of who I was as a person, felt like a zombie for years, and gradually have reclaimed my person-hood and my history in the same way as a brain-injured person would have to.

    Don’t loose heart, don’t dive up, just keep on day by day, concentrating on doing the things you can, pushing yourself to do more and doing brain-gym, just as you would if you had had a brain injury. You will find that this works and you can get back much of what has been robbed from you by this barbaric ‘treatment’.


  2. Kat says

    I have had this stupid mother fucking addiction/bipolar/depression crap all of my life without knowing exactly what the fuck was wrong with me. BUT I had a different personality.
    I had a major meltdown about 5 years ago, none of the meds seemed to work, so I started ECT. 3 years later I am still getting maintenance treatments monthly. Tonight a thought came to me as to why I have not been suicidal or severely depressed for most of the last 3 years, but I HAVE been a different person. Besides most of my memory being wiped out, I am MEAN, bitchy, indifferent and emotionless at times. I hate people. I don’t ever wanna go anywhere. I am always agitated,irritated or angry. I may be bipolar, but not to this point. This is a change caused by something my own body didn’t do by itself. It has been shocked every month for 3 years,and has changed who I am. I know I have a history of depression and mania, but for the most part I usually keep it to myself and don’t take it out on my loved ones etc….. I am so rude sometimes I want to slap myself. But then I just say oh well, what the fuck….. What the fuck? You said it just like I have been trying to say it for months. This ain’t me. I can’t even tell the boyfriend to let me stop the ECT and SEE what happens. My whole life situation is different now. I don’t have abusive people around me. If it wasn’t for ECT I think I would be happy, and at least be able to tell the difference between depression, mania and just plain being a zombie, a person I don’t even know…..

  3. caldwell says

    hey ashley. I’ve also dealt with depression/anxiety/ and been diagnosed bi polar. I just talked to a doctor today that wants me to try this and i came across this blog looking up shit on it. I was wondering if you would contact me and tell me more in depth what exactly this would do and do for me. The doc screams praises, but i have major major reservations about doing it.
    my e-mail is
    I would also love to hear from any others that have had this done.
    and thanks chicky for putting up this blog!

  4. karen says

    i was contemplating ECT and I’m glad you wrote all you did, I am not glad however that you have had to suffer through all you have. I’m at the point of hopelessness now because I’ve tried over 20 psych/antidepressents and, now the quack says I’m medication / treatment resistant.
    I would like to know how you are now? Has anything gotten any better? I hope so.

  5. Shea says

    Hey Ashley I hope you get this cause I have no clue how I ended up on this blog but i fucking fell in love with you. im at work and thats a bad excuse for the fact im bad at expressing myself but get back at me

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