Electroconvulsive Therapy Fucked Up My Life

I apologize for not keeping up with my blog. My intentions were sincere, but my life exploded.

I had the electroconvulsive therapy and did intend to chronicle my daily experiences. But I was just too out of it to be able to come to any coherent thought.

It FUCKED ME UP and I am so god damn sorry I had it. This is truly the worst thing that happened to me.

My techie friend who was going to post my thoughts can confirm everything I say. He was with me every step of the way and now blames himself at “allowing” me to have the electroconvulsive therapy. It’s NOT his fault. It was my choice, but I now believe I was given a line of shit.

Before the ect “therapy”, I was horribly depressed. Depressed beyond words. But with the support of a boss who had compassion and worked around my bullshit, I was still able to hold down my job.

Now I’m on Social Security Disability. Thanks, shock cockfuckers. (And if you don’t like my language, then fuck you and go away. I’m god damned mad for it ruining my fucking life.) In fact, it fucked me up so badly that I was able to get SSD FIRST ROUND. They got the paperwork and said “Wow, Ashley’s a motherfucking mess. Passed.”

My friend is willing to answer questions if you like, but I’m not. It’s taking everything I have to write this and he’s having to clean up the degeneration into horrible spelling and grammar. I’ve lost about every skill I had except my fine ability to cuss up a storm.

And p.s., I’m STILL DEPRESSED only times fifty because now my brain is total shit.

My life is totally fried, it’s a mish mash mess.

I may write more, or I may not. I’m thinking of giving this domain and website to someone who can make better use of it. I’m too messed up in the head to do what I’d planned.

I read up (or thought I did) on electroconvulsive therapy before having it, but I fell for the shit. And it’s SHIT. But I wanted to believe because I wanted this depression hell to end.

It didn’t and if I thought it was hell before, I didn’t know what hell was.

I read negative stuff about it, but I guess I didn’t listen. I wish I had.

You can read these websites which have a lot of information good and bad. Don’t discount the bad, although I know people will. We’re all looking for that fix, and I’m afraid to say it doesn’t exist.

ECT.ORG website with a lot of electroconvulsive therapy information

Zaprap.org discussion boards on same I haven’t posted but I’ve read a lot and it’s worth reading, but you have to register for membership for most of the site They mostly seem like nice people
My life is so fucked now.

Comments

  1. SallyT says

    Ashley,

    I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. I, too, am an ECT survivor who’s life was totally fucked by it and am also on SSDI, probably for the remainder of my life.

    I’ve made a lot of posts on zaprap.org, trying to discourage people from having it by disclosing how it has destroyed my life. I really don’t feel I’ve made any difference though because, as you said, everyone is looking for a fix. They just don’t want to believe that the bad can happen to them.

    The only ones that have positive reports are the ones that are on maintenance ECT, getting a round of it every 3-6 weeks. So their brains keep getting fried and they (I believe) are completely unaware of all the damage that has been done. And they’re in denial.

    Just to let you know, there are some aspects of all the damage that will get a little better over time. Actually, it’s not so much that they get better, it’s more that you find ways to cope and compensate for abilities you lost.

    I’m 4 years post treatment and I still rely heavily on post-it notes and my Palm Pilot. I truely couldn’t survive without them.

    Something that may help you to understand what has happened and what to do about it is to research about TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). That’s basically what you sustained. You’ll see so many symptoms that you can relate to. There’s a lot of info out there. If you ever want some recommended sites to look at, feel free to contact me.

    Again, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wiah this on my worst enemy.

      • Anonymous says

        I have been considering this treatment. I have ptsd, borderline personality disorder and bipolar. After reading this, it really scares me. I feel so sad for all of you

        • Anonymous says

          I’m currently undergoing ECTs treatment. It’s made my life liveable. I think god for my doctor. Honestly. This treatment is saving my life. I just hope it will continue to do so so I’m here for my kids. God help us all who live this hell.

  2. says

    thanks for your comments we all need people like you to warn others who will surely fall into the same trap.i do have some knowledge on ect but after watching a show on a ci channel on tv praising ect i really need to gather more facts on the down side of ect as we need to stop mental doctors covering up facts.as i get these facts i will post them to you. so you will know you are not alone.

  3. says

    Hi Ashley

    I am very sorry for your suffering. There may be a benign treatment that will make some difference for you but won’t solve many of the problems you have identified.

    Check out rTMS – there are some locations that deliver it free in conjunction with research projects. In Canada you can get it at major hospitals but I don’t think its in the states yet as part of the regular health system.

  4. BrainFingerprints says

    I had ECT against my will, after 3 Psychiatrists stated I did not need it. I was released from the Shock Mill in NYC(Gracey Square Hospital) only to be brought back against my will less than 1 month later. I got a PHD in Psychology to stand up for my rights no more ECT could be forced upon me. The damage is done. I am on SSI. I suffer chronic headaches and have permenent memory loss except for one thing. I recall every day being dragged into a padded room and drugged when I protested my name on the list of patients scheduled for ECT.

  5. Daniel says

    Ashley,

    I am 21 years old, was diagnosed bipolar I at age 8. Having slipped into a severe depression at 18 years old, and dealing with it for a whole year, i consented to shock treatments. I had the 20th treatment on my 20th birthday, one for every FUCKING year of my life. Like you said, I thought there was no worse hell when I consented; I was proven drastically wrong. My mom is Catholic and I have gotten a lot of exposure to the faith these last couple years, even before the treatments. But for some reason I just feel so weak and pathetic, being forced to turn to Jesus, because I’ve practically been vegetabilized. All my dreams, shattered. I will never have a career. I will probably never find the significant other I’ve always wanted. I’m an absolute mess. Everyday is a living hell on earth. Guess the sooner I get onto the Jesus thing the better… I just want to stay stuck in my fantasy world… acting like maybe.. someday, i’ll find an answer to fix the damage that’s been done… I don’t know. All I’m trying to say is that I feel your pain. And the most fucked up part about it is that friends and family dont seem to understand the severity of what’s been done to me. My mom has done all kinds of reading about bipolar, but nothing about the ect. She has no idea that yes, I am pretty much vegetableized. The few friends that I’ve had expect me to be the same old Danny… I try to explain that it will never be the same… I just feel like no one fucking understands… but even if someone does, it doesnt really fix the issue now does it… all the compassion and pity and understanding in the world doesnt do a fuckign thing to fix this damage thats been done… God help us and this fucked up world

  6. Angela says

    Ect has fucked up my life also. I don’t know how to express myself anymore, that’s what ect has done to me. The thoughts don’t flow anymore. I have a hard time having a conversation. I”m having a hard time writing this blog. I just can’t believe the damage that ect has done. I hardly go out anymore, I’m indoors most of the time. I’m afraid to talk to people cuz I don’t know what to say. This is all I have on my mind 24 hours a day, seven days a week. My family doesn’t seem to understand, they say I was worse before the ect. That is total bullshit. I’ve shared with my family the damage that this treatment has done and they tell me that if ect causes damage they wouldn’t adminster it to so many people. Now I can’t even take care of myself. I’ve lost my personality and my ablitities. I believe that I’m going to be a vegtable for the rest of my life. My life is totally destroyed. My hopes and dreams are shattered. I would like to warn people to think twice before getting this so called “life saving treatment” done. That’s a bunch of bullshit.

    • Anonymous says

      I have been searching for an answer to my brain fog. Angela, you have described in quite detail exactly what I have been experiencing to a “T”.I have lost my sense of humor. My mind is simply blank. I am getting through my day, but I have extreme anxiety and the depression just hovers around me throughout the day. I consented to the treatment after falling into a bad depression, which is becoming drug resistant which scares the shit out of me. I am existing,instead of living and am realizing I may not go back to nursing or any job due to the thought delays. Did it ever get better for you. I at least know, I am not the only one. Thank you.

      • Anonymous says

        I encourage you all to research oxaloceate. It has helped my son with severe autism a great deal. Happier, and more language. And yes, look at treatments for TBI if you’ve had electroshock therapy gone wrong.
        Also, parasites may be involved with depression. You could try a parasite cleanse from the health food store perhaps and see if there’s any improvement. I’ve been working on parasites for 3 years and my mood is so much better. It turned out I had Lyme Disease. Just glad I made it through all the suicidal thoughts and found the right treatment.

  7. Jan says

    Dear Ashley, I cannot begin to imagine the suffering you have and are experiencing. I am supposed to begin ECT treatment in a few weeks, and I am scared! You certainly have presented a different side to ECT than what any of the doctors/therapists present. Will you please email me and let me know how things are going for you now? I want to know what I am getting into… Thank you so much for posting your blog. Everyone needs to be informed of every side of ECT. Wishing only the best for you.
    Jan

  8. keith says

    Yep. I too had ECT last year and my life has been a total nightmare. I have become a recluse and a homebody. I used to be very social, even the life of the party. Now I can’t even have a conversation without stuttering and slurring my words. It’s really fucking sucks and is very sad. My mind goes blank in the middle of a sentence and I forget what I was talking about. I had depression before ECT but it is 10 times worse after I had it. I walk around like a zombie. Feel like I had a lobotomy. For real. Very sorry I was talked into having ECT. I’m fucked for life.

  9. Jonathan says

    Hey everyone, I have been in the system for a couple of years and had ect forced upon me because of one extreme manic episode. I was so manic that antipsychotic injections and a mountain of medication didn’t supress it. Anyways I responded to the 7th treatment and i have had 9 in total. Everyday of my life is a living hell. My long and short term memories have been totally crippled and also my cognitive abilities. All i think about is asking if the lord could heal me, i pray that everyone who’s had ect will be healed.

  10. Scott Amato says

    ECT has destroyed me & I only received 2 treatments. I knew after the second one I was done & would never do it again. 3 weeks later my whole body hurts, my senses are all screwed up. everything is too bright, too loud, smells too strong, my skin feels weird I feel dirty all the time, my hands & feet sweat like crazy, I’ve never been so hungry in my life & I have a really hard time eating because nothing tastes right. My memory is gone I have trouble talking on the phone I struggle to find the words I get confused very easily when asked questions. I was lied to about the treatment I didn’t have enough information. I am not the same person & I know i will never be the same. before finding this site I knew disability was in future. My life as I knew it is over. I’ve seen 4 doctors since being shocked no one has any answers or solutions for me. I am beyond upset, pissed off, bitter & angry about this barbaric treatment that offers a short term solution for some people & guaranteed brain damage for everyone.

  11. PottedNai says

    I have had such severe depression that I was asked to start it as soon as I turned 18. At first it seemed to be working.. But now I’m now 19 and my depression has become worse.. I don’t know what to do..!

  12. Sam says

    ECT destroyed my ability to remember, memories of my children’s childhood, my ability to be social because now I feel so dumb I’m afraid to talk to anyone, my connections to people based on shared experiences, my fulfilling career, my 20k graduate degree. ECT is a lie. I believed the doctor’s when they said it would relieve my non-suicidal chronic depression. Those lying doctor’s ruined my life, my children’s lives and my husband’s life, not to mention my other family members’ who do not really “get” why I’m in such despair. My depression is so severe I cannot even enjoy watching what’s left of my children’s childhood. Someone please tell me it’s better. I gave up hope on having memories return now I live in a demented haze. Half the time, I have no idea what my teens are talking about, now they think I just don’t care, I sure am not going to tell them their momsie got electrocuted. ECT, I just can’t believe it was possible to be this depressed.

  13. Scott Amato says

    I posted last Sept and months have passed & I am doing no better, in fact at times I feel worse. I can’t go anyplace or do anything. I struggle to do the most basic things around the house. I feel like a complete idiot. Doctors lie about ECT & the video they show is nothing but lies. NOTHING BUT LIES!!!! ECT did NOTHING whatsoever to help me it has caused me nothing but pain, suffering & misery. I’ve made many doctor/ER visits due to overwhelming unbearable pain & nobody has anything for me.

    I truly feel like my life is over, it has become nothing but pain & misery & memory problems, now I struggle to learn.

    After high school I was computer whiz with a great job, today I struggle to use a computer & I’m stuck in bed 24/7 I have no life whatsoever.

    I feel its very important we get our story out there. I would like more than anything to talk with other people that have had ECT. there needs to be an ECT support group can this been done thru something like skype?

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    • D says

      Are you serious? These aren’t just “folks” getting together and sharing thoughts. These people are hurting and broken down bad from this experience. These post aren’t for your amusement. These people are sharing their pain and sending everyone a big warning. I’m in a brain damaged situation myself (not from ect)and am going to get help at the hospital before I commit suicide. I’m glad I’ve been warned before I let the docs destroy me even worse. I feel so bad for these people and I suffer with them as well

  15. Thom says

    I too had ECT treatment which has left me worse off than before. I was actually on the gurney for the 10th treatment and told the nurses and the doctor I felt like an alien, and could not bear to do another. They agreed to give me a little time off. I have not been back. I have not been able to get this ammonia-like smell out of my nose. My temples ache. My depression is much worse. I have to force myself to leave the house and to eat. God bless my wife for helping me survive but even her patience is running thin. I cannot sleep. I take 10mg of Ambien, valerian, L-tryptophan, and any number of other supplements. This treatment is much more invasive than described. It may work for some, but when it doesn’t work, the outcome is not benign, nor easily reversed. I am glad I found this blog and hope others will adequately weigh the risks of ECT before submitting to it. I truly wish I never had. I don’t know if I will ever be the same.

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  17. Chris says

    I had electroconvulsive therapy in 2010 in the psych ward. I still cannot believe I allowed the doctor to talk me into it. I was given unilateral and than given bilateral without my knowledge. I to this day am sill damaged from it and it is now 2015. Doctors claim you get everything back. No you don’t. They are nothing but liars. I want you to know you are not alone. I warn others to not do this to themselves. I wish I could sue the doctor that I had because he never let me know he was going to do bilateral electro shock therapy on me. I came out of it not knowing where I was or who anybody was. I got out of the psych ward and nothing seemed familiar. I still have memory problems from it. The psychiatrists are too powerful and never take responsibility for damaging people with electro shock. I am still angry over what happened to me.

  18. Dustin says

    I am so confused. I am having trouble with writing this. I did ECT after trying every med you can to battle my depression. I had 9 shocks. I didn’t really care about the loss of memory. I’ve been suicidal most of my life. I am a business graduate working in a major bank. I went off work from anxiety and depression when I hid in another office at work so I didn’t see anyone. After being off for a year I was out on my deck smoking a cigarette and the next thing I knew my wife and I were talking in the house. I’d apparently had a seizure. I was in the hospital pretty banged up. I guess I tried to lift our central air conditioner and dropped it on myself. Anyway after the seizure I hadn’t felt better in my life for about 3 days.

    I talked to a psychiatric nurse about what happened and she told me that ECT is the same thing. Just that the seizures are induced. The moment I heard that I was sold. I just wanted that feeling of happiness back.

    Today my mind can’t carry thoughts. I am confused and frustrated all of the time. My decision making is strange to say the least. Within a month of ECT I tried walking out on my wife and kids, sold my house and tried killing myself afterwards. Add this to the unbearable depression and isolation. I don’t want to breathe anymore. My wife isn’t feeling well herself and I don’t have too many people to talk to. My last suicide attempt should’ve worked but I was found in the garage with the car running after taking half a bottle of sleeping pills and beers. I just want to die.

    I went into the hospital after being found by the cops in the garage. I stayed a week. I hate cages. It seems like I’m finished now. There isn’t much to live for. I’m making weird decisions with money and stuff.

    After everything, I was always proud of my intellect. Now that my IQ is that of Forrest Gump I think about dying most of my days. I don’t have anyone and I’m scared all of the time. No one seems to understand.

    I don’t know what else to say. I hurt is all I guess.

  19. Dana says

    ECT fucked up my life too!!! I had a total of 9 treatments (3 of which I NEVER gave my consent for!!!), and have never been the same since. My memory is for SHIT! I’ll read a magazine cover-to-cover, then come across it again in 2 weeks (not knowing I’ve already read it) when I’ll start reading it again until about halfway through, I’m thinking, “Hmm, I THINK I may have read this issue already! DAMNIT YOU FUCKING ECT!!!!!”

    Then there’s the no thinking. Barely ever. My brain feels like a quiet white noise machine. I lack personality. I barely experience feelings anymore. My creativity is negative. MY IQ DROPPED OVER 30 POINTS!!! This shit has happened to WAY too many people! Me and a friend of mine wanted to start a class action lawsuit with people who’ve been lied to and brain-damaged by ECT, but statute of limitations in my state is only 2 years. And I was so messed up from the ECT that I didn’t know any better that I COULD go after the doctors, especially for not giving my consent! That REALLY pisses me the fuck off! I used to be considered “genius,” now I’m struggling to even read (constantly looking up words in the dictionary…words I’ve probably looked up 50 times before but I have no fucking MEMORY anymore!!!!!).

    Anywho, we really need to find a way to get our voices heard, stop this barbaric “treatment,” and maybe get some compensation for all the disabilities we now have!

  20. Julia Welton says

    My heart goes out to everyone who has been harmed by EST. I survived 66 treatments over a period of 3 years and 10 months back in 1965-69. 17 years old when they began, I was not psychotic or depressed or anything diagnosable, but was the “identified patient” (a.k.a. the scapegoat) in a screwed up family with two emotionally abusive, unhappy, alcoholic parents. I had memory loss, depression from the est, stigmatization, physical effects from all the drugs, and so on. After many years of therapy and so forth, one psychiatrist finally came up with a “diagnosis” that I can actually agree with: she told me I have PTSD from what they did to me back then. I still have occasional nightmares and fears of doctors and hospitals, but somehow I manage to cope. I wrote a book about my experience: From the Lion’s Mouth: Healing from Trauma, Electroshock, Scapegoating and Grief in a Dysfunctional Family and Psychiatric System.

    It helped to write the book, to articulate the damage, make my statement about what happened, and claim a voice for myself. And as one person said to me once, “every time we talk about it to someone who understands and does not judge, we heal a little.” EST is barbaric and obscene. It should be banned.

  21. Betsy says

    I’m on my 14th ECT treatment and I feel as though I’m about to lose my fucking mind (if I haven’t already)! I was so depressed before I didn’t think it could get any worse…..
    Im not sure I was right.

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  22. says

    My experience with ECT is this: Ive had several shocks and at first it relieved my extreme depression. I had family members compliment me on my mood change. However, the more treatments I had done, they worked less and less. I really loved the feeling of being put to sleep, so I kept going just for that since I have always had trouble sleeping. It has erased my horrible childhood memories which I am grateful for. Now I have trouble remembering lots of things like spelling words, directions, etc. I had to stop going because my insurance changed. I’m still depressed and I do the best I can as a mom. I feel so guilty for having my kids grow up with a depressed mom and lots of guilt for many other things. I am very hard on myself but I can’t stop. I feel inferior to other moms. I’m 35 and I’m very disappointed in about where I am in life right now, like I’ve wasted my life on depression and I feel very guilty for that.

    My psych doctor told me that it’s the medication used during the treatment that causes memory loss and it’s not the ECT itself. I don’t know what to believe but I don’t dwell on it.

    • Kevin says

      My heart goes out to you. I hate to see anyone beat themselves up and feel guilty when they shouldn’t feel guilty at all. You did nothing wrong. Depression is an illness and it is debilitating. You tried to do the right thing and get the help you needed. The doctors that did this to you should be held accountable instead of us patients suffering and feeling guilty for it. Nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect parent. I applaud you for not giving up and trying to do the best you can. That is all anybody could expect from a person. it just makes me so mad when I hear of anyone beating themselves up or putting themselves down. We are all a work in progress.

  23. Noel Kardy says

    Hello, I am a survivor of 22 treatments over 4 months. Against my psych’s script, I refused to continue due to the hallucinations and debilitating effects. A few weeks after my last treatment My awareness of side effects of complete memory loss, short and long term. Cognitive impairment. My communication skills, verbal and in writing, problem solving and recognition were pressured. Now 6 months later, the symptoms continue and I am alone. I have started TMS and iI have hopes in lessening my depression.
    Thank you for this blog. Thank you for reading my words. Goodnight

  24. Emily says

    My significant other is enduring ECT and has been for the last 5 months. She has turned into a vegetable and doesn’t remember one event to the next. She is in complete denial that this is harming her in any way and I am emotionally exhausted. How could they let doctors do this to us? It is literally brain damage. I have no idea what to do next or if I even have the strength to keep her close to me anymore.

  25. Kevin says

    I too had my life destroyed by ECT. The doctor started doing bilateral ECT on me without even warning me. I didn’t even know the people around me were doctors and nurses for up to 4 hours afterwards. I had it done in 2010 and still regret ever doing this to myself. And the doctor that decided to do bilateral without informing me of it suffered no consequences for his actions. I recently was in the psych ward in 2016 and the counselor got mad at me because I told people in a group therapy session to not do electric shock therapy and how it is dangerous. I was not even allowed to give my opinion in an open group therapy session. The lady I told to not do it said she didn’t even know what it was and she was going to have it done. The people that promote should be ashamed of themselves. The therapist in the group was saying how good it was and how it had helped people. I said I think he would have a different opinion if he had it done. Seeing people that have had it done is a lot different than actually going through it I said. It shows how the medical establishment tries to cover up the truth about ECT.

  26. Claire says

    I feel for you. I was forced into it by a quack psychiatrist afree all of my rights had been taken away. I didn’t even want it but it was FORCED on me. Right after I had my daughter. I remember spending the next 2 years basically staring at the wall. It fucked me up. Big time. I wonder exactly how much damage it did to my brain.. I’m not even sure I want to know. I am also on dissability. They put me on that BEFORE they gave me the treatment. Almsot as if they knew they were going to turn me into a vegetable. I feel like SUING as I never wanted it in the first place. As they were putting me under for the fourth or fifth time… I finally came to my senses and said NO. I think what they do to people is inhumane and psychiatric wards deserve to be burned to the ground… along with he “doctors” or monkeys in suits inside of them.

  27. Abigail says

    I was given 13 treatments of Unilateral ECT in the month of June 2017. The experience was humane and in no way traumatic or anything. My biggest problem that i have been having during and after the treatments is the vivid nightmares/dreams I have been having almost every night and that my memory has diminished significantly. I’ve been experiencing wobbly vision and I have been experiencing moments of tearfulness. My mood in general has been positive and I have felt well. Much better than I felt before the treatment. I unfortunately lost my insurance a few sessions before my last. I was supposed to have 15 originally, but my father lost his job, which caused me to lose benefits :( I have no doctor to go to about my concerns now. I would appreciate some feedback!! Thank you!

  28. Anonymous says

    I didn’t read all the comments because so many people had a much worse response to ECT than I did. I had suffered major depression off and on for more than three decades and the episodes of severe, debilitating depression happened more often, were more severe and lasted for months. I had had psychiatrists bring up ECT but I knew that my memory would likely be compromised and I just couldn’t take that chance because I was a police officer. After I retired on disability, partly for injuries received on duty and a three year depression, I tried a couple of rounds of rTMS. That treatment works fairly well for me but it’s more expensive than ECT and I require maintenance treatments, possibly every month. I became suicidal about 7-8 years ago and , after reading a lot about it, I folded. I had seen a woman change from a near catatonic state to a functioning human being after three treatments a week for three weeks so I knew that it worked for some people. I was told that she came back to the hospital every three years or so for another course of treatments. I read Kitty Dukakis’ book where she kind of blew off her memory loss because she had a large family around her to fill in the blanks. I live alone, have no family close by and have had trouble maintaining friendships because I am so frequently so depressed that I don’t answer the phone or the door.

    Regarding my ECT, I had seven treatments on an outpatient basis. A woman from my church was my chauffeur. I remember almost nothing about that time. In fact, I was certain that I had had only six treatments. I don’t even remember how many treatments that I was supposed to have but I know that he cut off treatments because my short term memory was shot and I was so confused that I showed up with a can of Diet Coke even though I was well aware that I would be having anesthesia. I wasn’t supposed to drive but I never have much food in the house. I must have driven to some drive-thru’s for meals. That two-and-a-half weeks is just a big blank for me. I lost memories from before and after my treatments. My psychiatrist told me that my language deficits and memory issues that continued long after the treatments were not due to the ECT but could have been from the depression or the anti-depressants that I took . I disagree with him. I was depressed and took anti-depressants for two decades before I had the ECT. I don’t remember having short term and long-term memory loss before the ECT. In fact, my memory had been exceptional. Nor had I ever been confused in sn simple situations or forget simple words multiple times in nearly every conversation that I had.
    I wasn’t aware that there is some evidence that ECT can negatively impact one’s IQ but I am pretty sure that’s why I have to do math on paper that I’ve been able to do in my head since I was twelve,

    I won’t absolutely rule out ECT if I become suicidal to the point that I start planning my “escape” from misery but I’ll stay with meds and rTMS as long as I can afford them.

    My heart is broken for everyone who wades through intense psychic pain nearly every day of their lives. And my heart breaks for my self because I’m slogging through that mud myself.

  29. says

    Before ECT i am nothing impossible and After ECT i am everything imposible.
    Actually my brother taken poison then he admitted into hospital there is a psychiatrist said to my brother to join his treatment of shock (ECT) and doctor advised my brother to consult a psychotherapy for paperwork of questions at before take ECT so far My brother and i am went to consult for a paperwork after report given to psychiatrist’s says both them need ECT including myself but my brother regret it and i am forced to take ECT it happened since 2 years of 20 ECT But i am careful 15 ECT survived and then i lost control from 16-20 like everyone after shock I am realise nothing function in body also loss of memory or thinking and struggling to say my thoughts i felt like fucking damm loss of thinking and fucking concentration more then ever fucking imagination like before i had imagine my life going to something like that way but now i don’t fucking know what i imagine whether i imagine nothing may be and i dream fuck of always shit of non sense.
    I believe our mind can’t allow more then nothing
    i hope our life sentence to stupid activities
    i think our life settled very early to starting place or reborn again for never grow up
    i feel ourself never come from poor to rich or famous or development
    I found our path carry into regular basic thing nothing else improved
    I know our sacrifice to nobody or am i fucking understand to give credits to others.
    Adjust, sacrifice, negative spirit , give up , untill i fight come on leave it happen is happen.
    solution is strongly i believe from ECT below :
    All i am hope a great thing come to be more change in my life its unguessable only hopes or belief for good changes . We are transferred to strong personality or a greatness ability or better charector so we can’t lose it power untill know.

  30. WL says

    ECT also ruined my life. My memory has been completely destroyed. 95% of everything that happens disappears from my memory within a day. Everything good that happens and u wish to remember just disappear. Cant study, dont even remember my fucking birthday. ECT has only led me deeper into depression and Im not sure how long I can bear to live. Suicide seems like the only way to end this nightmare. Memory therapy isnt doing anything but harm for me. We’re almost done with the visits and it has only got me to understand how bad the situation is. How the fuck is something like ECT allowed in modern society…

    • WL says

      I shouldve probably mentioned that according to papers Ive been endurin this shit over an year. Way over the few month recovery time

  31. P Whitlock says

    I was railroaded as a young 18 year old girl by my mother and her attorney friend. She is a complete Narcissist and control freak and wanted to get me away from my boyfriend who had no faults but his lack of good looks. She had another young man picked out for me. I ended up in a private hospital, never got interviewed by the doctor ever, underwent bilateral ECT for 6 weeks, 3 days a week till I sat and drooled and peed my pants. I was an A student all through high school and for what. I have no ability to remember what I just read and have severe organization and concentration issues now. The worst thing of all…I have global anmesia. The only things I can remember are the torture and abuse my mother dealt me my entire life. I do not remember raising my own kids and have to make up stories about their childhood. Hell, I cannot even tell you what schools they attended growing up. I can meet the same person at a party three times over. I am, however, staying very young in the face and I believe that it is because I have no sense of time, no past, no history, no memories. I keep all my checkbooks with notes and all my taxes and bills and notes just to read and recall anything. I panic when somebody takes anything I have written down or typed on my laptop. My notes and photographs are my only memories. I keep planning my future…at 69 years of age….really. See, no sense of time. I read where the Government paid private hospitals to experiment with ECT on females and teens back in the 1960’s. I will never be the same. My mother can do anything to me or anybody else I care about and I crawl right back trying to get it right. God forbid that this practice be allowed. My mother only tells me…it’s your own fault. Really?

  32. P Whitlock says

    One item I failed to mention…I do not create any new memories. Also, I suffer from an extreme heart rhythm problem that cannot be addressed. I believe not only did I acquire brain damage, but other damage to organs as well. There was a beautiful woman in my hospital room and her only crime was she was a preacher’s wife and got caught screwing the janitor under the stairs in the church. BINGO…he put her in the hospital for prolonged Electro-Shock Therapy just like me. Maybe she just got tired of her boring husband…?

  33. says

    It breaks my heart to read other people’s bad experiences with ECT. But it verifies my own. I will NEVER consent to ECT again. I would rather die. I have escaped the ECT system for 3 years this October 2017. And I do mean ESCAPE because if it was up to the doctors and my family I would still be going once a month for the rest of my life. I have no idea how many treatments I endured over a 2011-2014 time frame. It turned me into a zombie, losing most of my significant experiences in life, ruining my cognitive skills and damaging my self-esteem and confidence immeasurably. I never was provided any kind of support system. It always was and still is a secret because of the stigma that still exists. I wish I could provide some kind of hope for others. I still struggle with depression, but I will never tell my family or doctors for fear of being hospitalized and treated again. I had PTSD before the treatment and now I have it even worse because of the ECT. I live in fear of ever going through this procedure again. It RUINED my life and changed me in ways that I don’t have any hope of changing. It was only through my own research that I first discovered that bi-lateral tx was worse for memory loss and got the drs to change to uni-lateral and then through a process (supported by my therapist) of delaying monthly tis to the point where I was able to stop the treatments. It was a long process because the ECT Drs kept saying I had to keep monthly maintenance, but it was up to my psychiatrist. And he would say it was up to the ECT drs. It was only through my own manipulation that I was able to escape. If anyone knows of a support group for ECT survivors, please let me know. The hardest thing is that the ECT destroyed so much of my memory I can’t really even construct how I ended up in the hospital in the 1st place, but I think it was due to side effects from anti-depressants I was trying that I couldn’t tolerate. And I was in constant pain, which the drs couldn’t diagnose and I now know was Fibromyalgia. I would like to write a book, but my memory is so bad I don’t see how I could do it. I just feel that people need to be warned.

  34. NoMeaning25 says

    Well…. I can relate. Somehow. I had a chemical lobotomy. Yeah. I suffer all the time. I thank God i didnt agree to ECT too, because im sure id be in a coma then. I was force fed psychotropics for 4 years. Then i cold turkeyed. Yeah, believe it or not, i am a vegetable, 5 years later – 5 years medication free. I suffer severely. Day in and day out. With over 60 symptoms. Dont believe me? I found thousands upon thousands of people in the same situation. Psychiatry kills. My life is over. I am 28 years old. Bed bound. Severely depressed, My list of symptoms are so much i dont even feel like fucking mentioning them. Its sick. Fucked up. I hate what they have done to me. I have no energy to do anything. Just wanted to warn people. Meds are just as harmful. I wish i could just fucking have the guts to kill myself already. Because this suffering isnt worth it. 5 fucking years. No improvements. Fuck this shit

  35. Kelly says

    My life, too, is over. I would give every dollar I have and cut off one of my limbs (truly) to undo the damage that has been done.

    Nearly two months ago, I had 12 sessions of unilateral ECT. I lost the ability to speak *entirely*. I soiled myself and wet my pants because I had no idea what to do. I had to relearn how to walk. It took me weeks to be able to pronounce my own last name. Even longer to count to 100. I didn’t recognize my own family members or the house I lived in for 20 years. I lost most of my sense of taste.

    I cannot function at all now. I do not recognize myself in a mirror. My family says it is worse than living with a toddler or person with Alzheimer’s. I feel 100% certain now that my life will end in suicide. And due to severe emotional and cognitive deficits, I feel completely apathetic and emotionless about that fact.

    I’ll rule out stroke, contusions, etc. And then the one answer will remain: ECT ruined my life.

    • says

      For Kelly –
      I know. I am now 59 and had ECT back in 1998 against my will. I have searched all over for ways to take my life, and nothing works. One thing I always was able to do before my torment,
      was read scripture daily.
      I have just this summer been able to do daily readings since I’m Catholic, and the priest is incredibly understanding. I don’t do mass anymore though.
      My body feels like it burns inside and out for so many years. My only daughter is 36 now and grown. Life was wonderful in 1989 – headed for marriage then ended up parting for a time.
      I had a nervous breakdown at work 6 months later and fell into “alternative medicine” by accident.
      One bad doctor led to another and by 1997 end, a woman from my parish arranged for me to have ECT.
      I pray my rosary to die. Nobody wants me, you know? And I keep crying and I miss life and my girl so bad and home and I had so much love to give!
      I know what you are experiencing. I really, truly do!

      • Kelly says

        Judy, I am so sorry for your pain, grief, and loneliness.

        The spiritual damage and loss of ability to read and remember scriptures and writings has been the worst effect of all. Your story resonates.

        My heart aches for all who were looking for relief from suffering, only to find more. Nobody deserves the invisible, daily struggle that is brain injury.

        Perhaps knowing we’re not alone is one of the biggest comforts to be found.

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