I apologize for not keeping up with my blog. My intentions were sincere, but my life exploded.

I had the electroconvulsive therapy and did intend to chronicle my daily experiences. But I was just too out of it to be able to come to any coherent thought.

It FUCKED ME UP and I am so god damn sorry I had it. This is truly the worst thing that happened to me.

My techie friend who was going to post my thoughts can confirm everything I say. He was with me every step of the way and now blames himself at “allowing” me to have the electroconvulsive therapy. It’s NOT his fault. It was my choice, but I now believe I was given a line of shit.

Before the ect “therapy”, I was horribly depressed. Depressed beyond words. But with the support of a boss who had compassion and worked around my bullshit, I was still able to hold down my job.

Now I’m on Social Security Disability. Thanks, shock cockfuckers. (And if you don’t like my language, then fuck you and go away. I’m god damned mad for it ruining my fucking life.) In fact, it fucked me up so badly that I was able to get SSD FIRST ROUND. They got the paperwork and said “Wow, Ashley’s a motherfucking mess. Passed.”

My friend is willing to answer questions if you like, but I’m not. It’s taking everything I have to write this and he’s having to clean up the degeneration into horrible spelling and grammar. I’ve lost about every skill I had except my fine ability to cuss up a storm.

And p.s., I’m STILL DEPRESSED only times fifty because now my brain is total shit.

My life is totally fried, it’s a mish mash mess.

I may write more, or I may not. I’m thinking of giving this domain and website to someone who can make better use of it. I’m too messed up in the head to do what I’d planned.

I read up (or thought I did) on electroconvulsive therapy before having it, but I fell for the shit. And it’s SHIT. But I wanted to believe because I wanted this depression hell to end.

It didn’t and if I thought it was hell before, I didn’t know what hell was.

I read negative stuff about it, but I guess I didn’t listen. I wish I had.

You can read these websites which have a lot of information good and bad. Don’t discount the bad, although I know people will. We’re all looking for that fix, and I’m afraid to say it doesn’t exist.

ECT.ORG website with a lot of electroconvulsive therapy information

Zaprap.org discussion boards on same I haven’t posted but I’ve read a lot and it’s worth reading, but you have to register for membership for most of the site They mostly seem like nice people
My life is so fucked now.

Ashley,

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. I, too, am an ECT survivor who’s life was totally fucked by it and am also on SSDI, probably for the remainder of my life.

I’ve made a lot of posts on zaprap.org, trying to discourage people from having it by disclosing how it has destroyed my life. I really don’t feel I’ve made any difference though because, as you said, everyone is looking for a fix. They just don’t want to believe that the bad can happen to them.

The only ones that have positive reports are the ones that are on maintenance ECT, getting a round of it every 3-6 weeks. So their brains keep getting fried and they (I believe) are completely unaware of all the damage that has been done. And they’re in denial.

Just to let you know, there are some aspects of all the damage that will get a little better over time. Actually, it’s not so much that they get better, it’s more that you find ways to cope and compensate for abilities you lost.

I’m 4 years post treatment and I still rely heavily on post-it notes and my Palm Pilot. I truely couldn’t survive without them.

Something that may help you to understand what has happened and what to do about it is to research about TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). That’s basically what you sustained. You’ll see so many symptoms that you can relate to. There’s a lot of info out there. If you ever want some recommended sites to look at, feel free to contact me.

Again, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wiah this on my worst enemy.

SallyT, thank you for your kind comments. I’m just such a mess now, even worse than before.

thanks for your comments we all need people like you to warn others who will surely fall into the same trap.i do have some knowledge on ect but after watching a show on a ci channel on tv praising ect i really need to gather more facts on the down side of ect as we need to stop mental doctors covering up facts.as i get these facts i will post them to you. so you will know you are not alone.