It’s Saturday night and in my healthier life that would have meant having a great date with a good looking man or heading out to some clubs with my friends. But here I sit at my computer, trying my best to not picture what’s going to happen on Monday.
I’d love to have a dog but I can’t even care for myself some days. How could I care for a dog? Poor me.
I try and tell myself my life could be so much worse. I could be living inside an ugly blue burqa, trying to see life through a piece of mesh. It’s true, but it’s not true to me. My life, right now, is the worst thing on the planet. At least [tag]Muslim women[/tag] in burqas really have no clue there’s a better world out there. They’re like zoo animals, born into captivity, never knowing there’s an African plain with their name on it where they could run free (and be shot by poachers for their fur).
I’ve turned into a cynic. Will [tag]electroconvulsive therapy[/tag] cure my cynicism?
I’m trying so hard to just wait this out and stay calm. I go from terror at the thought of the whole ordeal to excitement that this hell could end. Wouldn’t that be a pip? Everyone at work thinks I’m going into rehab. How insane is that? Less stigma to be a crack addict than a [tag]mental patient[/tag].
Maybe I’m a chicken for not “coming out” and going public with the [tag]electroconvulsive therapy[/tag]. But it’s an embarrassment to admit you can’t control your head. I’d rather coworkers think I shoot smack than have bad brain chemistry. Is that a screwed up world or what?
I’m sure the gossip whores at workÂ are chattering right now, trying to decide what drug of choice Ashley uses. Is it crack, heroin? Alcohol? I’ll never tell. I hate everyone I work with anyway. They drink sweet tea ofÂ course. Oh god, I hope this sweet tea thing doesn’t follow me to the psych hospital. Do you think the nurses will know I’m a foreigner when I say hold the sugar? Jebus, what will I do? The thought of trying to drink sweet tea in the midst of all this is too much to bear. I have to have unsugared tea or I will die.